BY THE END of the last sentence you will know the secret to our “happy” marriage.
I knew I didn’t want a church wedding, but how would I get out of it? I was a minister, for crying out loud. Ideas like that can ruin a reputation. But I didn’t want a judge to perform the ceremony either. That seemed to be more like a sentence than a choice. But was there another option? I mean—one that credible people would accept.
And why worry about that anyway if you don’t have a girlfriend?
I was in seminary in Memphis, Tennessee, to study Family Therapy.
Coffee in hand, headed into weekend mode one sunny Saturday in October, I stood at the door of my apartment and watched a woman whistle, clap, and yell at a dog that refused to return to her. I’d never seen her around and wasn’t sure animals were allowed in the complex.
She seemed frustrated as the little furball zoomed around her at full throttle, barking and taunting her. I remember thinking she was pretty; and wouldn’t it be funny if I caught and gave the dog back to her and . . . we eventually married?
Naaaaaa. So I went back inside and closed the door.
The scene kept echoing throughout the courtyard, so (sigh) I stepped outside a few feet, kneeled, and whispered to the dog. Of course, she came straight to me, so I cradled her and sauntered over to her owner.
As I approached, I noticed the woman was indeed a cutie, so I rehearsed a clever pickup line or two. But, alas, as I stood face to face with her, my mind turned to mush. An unfortunate side-effect of testosterone. Well, I decided to just say whatever came out. And out came, “Is this your dog?”
Really? I felt so stupid. How do you think she responded? She rescued me by creating an actual conversation. How kind! And smart. I like smart a lot.
I was a musician. She came to Memphis to study Orff Schulwerk (children’s music}. She made lasagna. I love lasagna. What happened next? Yep, we started walking the dog together and talked as we went through the neighborhood. We talked a lot.
She didn’t want a church wedding. To elope was more her cup of tea. Yes! About two weeks into our conversations, during a dog walk, I asked her to marry me. She accepted.
Forty years ago (September 1981), Patti and I boarded an Air Jamaica MD-80 to Montego Bay. The travel agency brochures suggested that the alluring Trelawney Beach Club in Falmouth was perfect for a wedding. It was.
Over the years, young couples have asked what the SECRET is to a “long and happy” marriage. I’ve always given silly answers. But in honor of our 40th anniversary, I will highlight my actual opinion, just this once. What I write here is not exhaustive, rather indispensable.
First of all, “happiness” is a choice. “You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd, but you can be happy if you’ve a mind to.” (~Roger Miller) Childish-sounding song, truthful lyrics!
Second, humans don’t decide the “long and” part of “long and happy.” Talk to God about that.
Third, “love like that.” Read the first paragraph (2 verses) in this link (Ephesians 5): https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+5&version=MSG
As simplistically complex as I can address this, one big reason we are happily married is centered in a four-letter word: “WITH.” We choose, every day, to do life WITH the other. We don’t agree about everything all the time, but we choose to remain WITH each other. We are strong-minded independent first-borns. But, as the scripture above clearly puts it, marriage is to be a contest of love. It is a competition to see which one can outLOVE the other. It isn't just ME anymore. And when more little humans are given to you, one concept emerges above all else. If it seems difficult, well, it is. So work at it!
“WITH.” That includes watching out for your spouse; you know them better than anyone else. There are pitfalls, or weaknesses you may see that could bring them down. Criticism is not helpful. Instead, why not build them up? Help them, if possible, to fulfill THEIR dreams and goals—just because you GET TO. AND be their best fan!
Forget (what about) “ME.” “Me” creates divorces. Me NEVER says, “It Is more blessed to give than to receive.”
“WITH” is what God did to create the universe. Want a creative marriage?
We’ve had INNUMERABLE times of laughter—and heart-rending times to weep—WITH each other.
“WITH” has a time limit. It’s likely shorter than any of us imagines. Appreciate WITH.
True, all good things come to an end. But until the end, keep talking and loving WITH.
Pray for your spouse. You are one in marriage; a prayer for your spouse is also a prayer for you. Duh.
I suggest that you pray WITH your spouse. (Talk together WITH God.) “You” may begin to disagree less and be blessed more. Without prayer . . . well, I don't recommend WITHout. How can you include God and fulfill his purpose in your marriage without including Him? Is it hard to do sometimes? Yes. Why do you suppose that is?
So . . .
Don't you see? The “SECRET” I’ve been revealing lies subtly (and plainly) everywhere in this piece. It took this long to BEGIN to explain it. From the moment Patti and I met, it was WITH. Are you WITH me?
WITH Is the SECRET. (But it’s our secret, OK?) . . . Shhhhh.
©️ Copyright 2021 Gary Landerfelt MyPericope.com
Comments