The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jer.31:3 NIV)
Hay mucho que saber
Es poco el vivir
Y no se vive si no se sabe.
Hombre sin noticias,
Mundo a oscuras.
~ Baltasar Gracián
WHEN I WAS TWENTY I had many opinions. I was well aware that I had a lot to learn, but my heart and body believed I was pretty smart and could do anything I wanted. I had energy, endurance, and a smile that could open many doors. Quick-witted, I could talk my way out of tight situations I'd gotten myself into—most times.
I relied mostly on myself to get whatever I wanted. As Gracian's poem suggests, I didn't know what was going on. OR that I didn't know I was in the dark (clueless).
My confidence was reinforced by the popular belief: God helps those who help themselves.
Maybe you believe that saying too. It's quite Christianesque.
If so, I doubt what I am about to write will change your mind. As gently as I can say this, I believe you'll have to learn the hard way. Like me. Don't worry, God is an excellent teacher.
Like all young men, I hunted for the love of my life—and at twenty two she appeared. I fell hard. She loved the Lord. What else mattered? And that ring was as flawless as her beautiful face. I ignored feedback from my parents and friends. They didn't know her like I did and, well, maybe they were jealous.
One day, in a conversation with my minister's wife I mentioned my fiancée was going to college to be a Geologist. She paused a moment, and deciding to tell me the truth, finally exclaimed, "Gary, the biggest pile of rocks she'll ever find are in her head!"
So, I set out to prove I could help God make our relationship work. That plan seemed successful for awhile.
When she broke off our engagement, I was devastated. I wondered why God would humiliate me that way. I trusted Him. I did my part. He was silent. But I was more deeply hurt when I found out about the guy she'd been dating at college while she wore my ring. They later married.
That same week I lost a job due to staff reduction. When it rains, it pours. I withdrew from the college I was attending. I pitied myself for a few days, wondering what to do next. Early one morning, I drove to Nashville, Tennessee and enrolled in a school I'd always wanted to attend. After I graduated, I was invited to become a minister in my home church, which I accepted gladly.
For the next few years I grew in my new role. One day, however, pieces of the church family began to fall apart. It eventually collapsed. After the hurt feelings and disappointment in people I had known as friend and confidante, I left. The road had suddenly come to an end, though I'd tried to turn it around. I was bitter. I wasn't sure what to do next. But by now that was familiar territory for me. So, I mustered an ounce or two of trust for God, and waited on Him for direction.
I was offered a scholarship to a seminary in Memphis,Tennessee, and studied there for the next three years. I met some wonderful friends who inspire me still. After a couple of years, the landlady/matchmaker at the apartment complex where I lived introduced to me a lovely young woman who was at the University of Memphis for her graduate degree.
We dated, but eventually had a falling out. Another familiar path for me. Oh well. But on Saturday night during my prayer time, a voice said I should go to church in Nashville the next day. I'd never experienced a voice like that before. I decided it could be the Lord, and I slept well that night.
It was a quick early morning drive to Music City. Not long into the sermon, the minister suddenly stopped and said, "I cannot continue my prepared sermon. I believe God is telling me there is someone or someones present today, struggling with their relationship."
He began to pray, asking God for the grace to speak to the subject. I sat numb and spellbound as I listened to my life laid out before the entire congregation for the next thirty minutes. The preacher, or was it the Spirit, covered a lot of holy ground, and ended suggesting love means letting my will go and letting God's will rule. Great message. What a coincidence! I didn't know what to think or say. And I could tell no one; who would believe me? A saying of Lao Tsu came to mind: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
My legs were rubber as I exited the sanctuary and stumbled past the crowd of worshippers toward my car. I worshipped all the way back to Memphis.
I'm foggy about all the details that happened over the next year. All I clearly remember is we flew to Jamaica and married that September.
The only help God needed was for me to get-out-of-His-way!
Has God finally stopped testing me? Absolutely not. I'm sure many of those who read this can relate, my life has been a series of challenges. They are human problems which are uniquely mine, and all different. Each time, I still must choose either to help myself, or ask God and stop trying to handle it anyway.
Do you think I've finally learned my lessons? Absolutely not! Although, I admit, at the end of each difficulty my heart becomes less rigid, I become a little more trusting, and exit the struggle a kinder and gentler person. I could beat myself up over being a dummy for not immediately yielding to Him, but I don't. I know I'm in good company, aren't I?
And He teaches me in several other ways:
God shows His love through great questions that open my mind, draw me in—and make me smile— like," Tell me how you were able to help yourself while I was in my secret place planning who you would be. How did you help yourself while I assembled you inside your mother? Or selected who your mother world be? What method did you use to make it safely through the birth canal, and afterward breathe on your own?" You get the point.
I can also learn lessons from everyday things, like the colorful leaves of Autumn. Every year God's trees demonstrate how beautiful it is to let things go. When I am weak, His perfect strength covers the worry in my life with beautiful solutions until my problems and doubts are a distant memory.
Psalm 46:10 reads (in English), "Be still and know that I am God . . . " The phrase translated into English, "Be still" in Hebrew is a command to "let go" of the handles (of the plow), or, literally to "drop the hands." When I do, I see His interesting approach to problem solving, and am reminded: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." With Paul, I say,"When I'm weak,THEN I'm strong,” (II Corinthians 12: 9-11).
Don't stumble around in the dark looking for answers, supposing you know what they are. God doesn't help those who help themselves . . . until they stop it.
P.S. Did God ever answer my cry as to why I was "humiliated?"(first scenario) It's a story for another time, but as succinctly as possible I will say: He didn't humiliate me, He saved me from humiliation. The answer came about 27 years after we split, and in a most unlikely way and place, acted out right in front of me.
Accept God's amazingly powerful Grace. Then watch closely what He does, and learn. Don't stay in the dark never knowing what to do. Get Wise.
Let go and He will show.
© Copyright 2022 Gary Landerfelt MyPericope.com
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